It's Much Deeper Than That

John, the kids, and I have been suffering the loss of our unborn baby on December 31st, 2006. We were never given the option to give birth to the baby because he experienced an intrauterine fetal demise. If you don't know what that means, it's the same as a still birth, except in our case he was not alive but was never born. He was removed by an abortion-style procedure after discovering his intrauterine death. It was an emergency room visit and it was critical to my health not to wait. It was a brutal experience for all of us, especially me. Partly because the emergency surgery was not done properly and I continued to miscarry (the most depressing infant remains that I can imagine) almost a month later.

Since our baby was not alive and was never born, he has no birth record, no legal acknowledgement, etc. It was my personal decision not to name him because I just thought it would be too hard and I it didn't matter to the rest of world anyway.

Little did I know at the time how my health was in such jeopardy and that I would have to relive counts of details of that catastrophe over and over with each new medical professional I encountered. I also have to include the story in my explanation to friends and family and the like of how I came to learn of my brain tumor and being diagnosed with Cushing's Disease, etc.

Well it has become too difficult to continue on this way. Our baby deserves a name. Before I made this decision I Googled around about it, I had to reassure myself I wasn't crazy. After reading accounts of other families, I feel like I have been heartless and selfish about this all along. I didn't allow our baby to have a name because I was worried about remembering. How could I think that I could ever really forget? I don't know for sure, because I've been forced to remember by the medical industry, but deep down I don't think I could ever forget about my baby. I think about him everyday. Especially having little Johnny now. I dream about him. It's time we have a name for him.

My husband and I agreed on the name Ryan. It means "little King", but we didn't know that until I just signed on, after we chose the name. It will suit him just fine. I'm sharing this thought because we have a new way to refer to our lost angel and I feel good about it. Really good.

And so it is.

Our angel, Ryan.

Here are some links in support of our decision and some just for heart-felt reading on the topic of miscarriage.
Naming Your Baby Following Miscarriage
Angel Baby
A Nurse's Story: Caring for a Family Suffering Fetal Demise